I’ve cried every day for two weeks leading up to thanksgiving. This holiday was usually spent with myself and my grandparents eating together at their kitchen table. When I was younger it was my parents, brother, and grandparents and we got to eat at the dining room table (mainly cause with 6 people that was the only place we could comfortably sit together). But when my grandparents on my dad’s side moved to town my parents (and sometimes brother) would take them out of town to my dad’s sister’s place for thanksgiving. For for the last 14 years it was kinda just me and them. I was thankful every year that I got to spend with them. Over thanksgiving dinner the three of us would talk about what we are thankful for, talk about my cousins and how they are doing, and talk about current events, etc. sometimes grandma would ask me to come early to help get Christmas out of the attic, sometimes we’d do that after dinner, or sometimes she’d already have it down and she’d ask me to help set some of it up. Grandpa usually helped and he’d tell me random little things from when I was younger or when my mom, aunt, and uncles were kids. My grandparents were my world.
And that world got rocked when my grandma started dying from her cancer. Two years ago I had my final thanksgiving with her. For a change, rather than my parents, aunts, and uncles going to their in-laws for thanksgiving they all stayed in town. We all had thanksgiving together. I was thankful everyone was there but a little part of me just really wanted our thanksgiving that I’d gotten used to for the last 14 years. But knowing that grandma might not make it to her favorite holiday (Christmas) I completely understood why everyone stayed.
My grandma passed away the week before Christmas. So Christmas just felt numb that year. I think we went through the motions as a family but I could tell then what was coming- and it wasn’t going to be pretty.
My mom had taken over care of my grandparents by this time so with how strained my relationship with my mom is I didn’t really get to see much of my grandma in her last 6 months. (another long story for another time- but let’s just say 9 years ago she told me I’m no longer her daughter, she wished I’d never been born, I ruined her life, and she never wanted to see me again. I was 30 at the time- we barely talk now) anyways, so I knew that with my grandpa not wanting to fight or anything like that I’d probably never really see him either.
The following thanksgiving my parents told me they were taking grandpa somewhere for thanksgiving. So you know where I was for thanksgiving? Eating a chicken McNuggets happy meal. I honestly didn’t think I could have a worse thanksgiving. We hosted Christmas and it was just strained. I could feel that the family was already separating. My grandpa didn’t notice, I don’t think, Because he spent it watching the kids play.
Fast forward 7 months and grandpa is in the hospital. I go every day. I finally get to spend time with him. Something I was kept from doing by my mom- that no one could keep my from seeing him at the hospital. They move him to hospice... thank god for it not being an in-home hospice. Grandma had in-home hospice so I never got to see her unless my one uncle would message me that he was there and no one else, so I’d race over so I could spend time with them. I was at the VA Hospice almost every day. I set up amazon Alexa so he could have music, I’d FaceTime my cousins who lived out of town so they could see him and talk to him, I sang with my aunt and uncle, and when it was just him and I sometimes we’d talk, he’d fall asleep, and I’d cry. Losing him sucked.
So it’s now thanksgiving and I’m supposed to be thankful but all I feel is sadness. I cried everyday for two weeks leading up to this day. And when I woke up thanksgiving morning crying I knew I needed to feel close to my grandparents. So I messaged my dad to ask where the key got moved for my grandparents house in hopes that I’d go there, pull out the Christmas stuff, and cry a little. I was told the locks got changed to ask my uncle. I called twice but he didn’t answer and my aunt called me back. I told her what I needed, she said she’d talk to my uncle and call me back. Next thing you know I get a message from my other aunt telling me SHE wants to set up Christmas and won’t be back from visiting her in-laws until Monday. So in short, it didn’t matter that I was depressed and really needed to feel close to my grandparents when I was feeling so alone. Then almost at 11pm my uncle texts with pretty much the same thing that my aunt and her two kids want to. So basically it didn’t matter to them either that I was alone and depressed and really needing to feel close to my grandparents. Then the next morning my mom texts
and says that my uncle has the only key to the house and blah blah- basically exactly what my aunt and uncle said. And then last night my other aunt has the nerve to message me and say “you can be upset but the kids have memories they want too” and all I can think is fuck you. Seriously, I got enraged. The kids are getting everything, the kids and other grandchildren have gotten to go in the house, gotten to shed their tears, gotten to have moments alone in the house with the memories. I haven’t gotten shit. I didn’t complain that everything was left to the kids and nothing to the grandchildren. And until now, I didn’t complain that I couldn’t visit the house- I had just always assumed when I needed it, it would be there until it was sold. But now all I feel is resentment towards my family and anger. I’ve supported their feelings and crap. Shit I’ve tried to get them to talk to each other and spend time together cause that’s what grandma and grandpa would have wanted. But now I just want nothing to do with them. I’m finding it really hard to be thankful for anything this thanksgiving and that really freaking sucks!
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