giving thanks can be depressing- there I said it

It’s tough during the holidays when you recently lost someone. It’s even more tough when it’s the holidays, you recently lost an important person to you, your family isn’t speaking, your local “friends” never really talk to you anymore, and you’re living with your ex who cheated on you multiple occasions (over 50% of your relationship of 4 years) and he seems to be your only friend. 

I’ve cried every day for two weeks leading up to thanksgiving. This holiday was usually spent with myself and my grandparents eating together at their kitchen table. When I was younger it was my parents, brother, and grandparents and we got to eat at the dining room table (mainly cause with 6 people that was the only place we could comfortably sit together). But when my grandparents on my dad’s side moved to town my parents (and sometimes brother) would take them out of town to my dad’s sister’s place for thanksgiving. For for the last 14 years it was kinda just me and them. I was thankful every year that I got to spend with them. Over thanksgiving dinner the three of us would talk about what we are thankful for, talk about my cousins and how they are doing, and talk about current events, etc. sometimes grandma would ask me to come early to help get Christmas out of the attic, sometimes we’d do that after dinner, or sometimes she’d already have it down and she’d ask me to help set some of it up. Grandpa usually helped and he’d tell me random little things from when I was younger or when my mom, aunt, and uncles were kids. My grandparents were my world.

And that world got rocked when my grandma started dying from her cancer. Two years ago I had my final thanksgiving with her. For a change, rather than my parents, aunts, and uncles going to their in-laws for thanksgiving they all stayed in town. We all had thanksgiving together. I was thankful everyone was there but a little part of me just really wanted our thanksgiving that I’d gotten used to for the last 14 years. But knowing that grandma might not make it to her favorite holiday (Christmas) I completely understood why everyone stayed.

My grandma passed away the week before Christmas. So Christmas just felt numb that year. I think we went through the motions as a family but I could tell then what was coming- and it wasn’t going to be pretty. 

My mom had taken over care of my grandparents by this time so with how strained my relationship with my mom is I didn’t really get to see much of my grandma in her last 6 months. (another long story for another time- but let’s just say 9 years ago she told me I’m no longer her daughter, she wished I’d never been born, I ruined her life, and she never wanted to see me again. I was 30 at the time- we barely talk now) anyways, so I knew that with my grandpa not wanting to fight or anything like that I’d probably never really see him either. 

The following thanksgiving my parents told me they were taking grandpa somewhere for thanksgiving. So you know where I was for thanksgiving? Eating a chicken McNuggets happy meal. I honestly didn’t think I could have a worse thanksgiving. We hosted Christmas and it was just strained. I could feel that the family was already separating. My grandpa didn’t notice, I don’t think, Because he spent it watching the kids play.  

Fast forward 7 months and grandpa is in the hospital. I go every day. I finally get to spend time with him. Something I was kept from doing by my mom- that no one could keep my from seeing him at the hospital. They move him to hospice... thank god for it not being an in-home hospice. Grandma had in-home hospice so I never got to see her unless my one uncle would message me that he was there and no one else, so I’d race over so I could spend time with them. I was at the VA Hospice almost every day. I set up amazon Alexa so he could have music, I’d FaceTime my cousins who lived out of town so they could see him and talk to him, I sang with my aunt and uncle, and when it was just him and I sometimes we’d talk, he’d fall asleep, and I’d cry. Losing him sucked. 

So it’s now thanksgiving and I’m supposed to be thankful but all I feel is sadness. I cried everyday for two weeks leading up to this day. And when I woke up thanksgiving morning crying I knew I needed to feel close to my grandparents. So I messaged my dad to ask where the key got moved for my grandparents house in hopes that I’d go there, pull out the Christmas stuff, and cry a little. I was told the locks got changed to ask my uncle. I called twice but he didn’t answer and my aunt called me back. I told her what I needed, she said she’d talk to my uncle and call me back. Next thing you know I get a message from my other aunt telling me SHE wants to set up Christmas and won’t be back from visiting her in-laws until Monday. So in short, it didn’t matter that I was depressed and really needed to feel close to my grandparents when I was feeling so alone. Then almost at 11pm my uncle texts with pretty much the same thing that my aunt and her two kids want to. So basically it didn’t matter to them either that I was alone and depressed and really needing to feel close to my grandparents. Then the next morning my mom texts

and says that my uncle has the only key to the house and blah blah- basically exactly what my aunt and uncle said. And then last night my other aunt has the nerve to message me and say “you can be upset but the kids have memories they want too” and all I can think is fuck you. Seriously, I got enraged. The kids are getting everything, the kids and other grandchildren have gotten to go in the house, gotten to shed their tears, gotten to have moments alone in the house with the memories. I haven’t gotten shit. I didn’t complain that everything was left to the kids and nothing to the grandchildren. And until now, I didn’t complain that I couldn’t visit the house- I had just always assumed when I needed it, it would be there until it was sold. But now all I feel is resentment towards my family and anger. I’ve supported their feelings and crap. Shit I’ve tried to get them to talk to each other and spend time together cause that’s what grandma and grandpa would have wanted. But now I just want nothing to do with them. I’m finding it really hard to be thankful for anything this thanksgiving and that really freaking sucks!

Doormat

It’s really depressing when you look at Facebook and see almost 1,000 friends. Especially if you’re someone that only adds people that you actually know (at the time). I look at Facebook and see all these people and I think, how many would actually be there if I needed a friend. Like legitimately, how many would stop what they are doing, no matter what, and come help.

This leads me to thinking about my future wedding or funeral. (Yes, I did lump those two together because right now I feel like they are one in the same) How many would attend? Im not sure many would. A few family members (provided it doesn’t fall on a weekend/day that they are vacationing or have something better to do) and maybe a few friends (also with the same stipulations as family). It’s in this realization that I’ve noticed I’m the forgettable friend. You call on me when you need something- someone to watch your dog, borrow money, be a character witness in court, etc. but I’m not the friend that anyone says “hey, let me reach out and see if she just wants to hang out.” I’m the doormat. 

I don’t like being the doormat. 

Sadly, when you’re the doormat it means you look out for people, making sure their “shoes are clean” serving their purpose but no one hangs out with you, talks to you, does things “just because” for you. But still you stay put, always ready for when someone needs to rub their dirty shoes on you to clean them off.  

I used to have this take on how I was when I was younger thinking that I was some kind of snotty B or stuck up or something or that I had this clique of friends. Really truly always going to be there friends. But the truth is, as I’ve tested this theory for the last year, if I don’t reach out to them I’d never hear from them at all. Kinda sad and depressing when you think about it. And as I look back it’s always been like that. 

So I wonder, is it just me? I thought I was a good friend. But am I? Am I just really this horrible worthless person that no body likes or wants to be around but will tolerate if they need something from me?

-Doormat

I prefer a democracy

It's been a long time since i posted. and honestly not even sure about posting right now. I'm taking some time to reflect. I've been in a relationship for over 3 years now with a pretty good guy. he tries hard. He's got an ex-wife and two kids. and literally the only thing I can compare his ex-wife to is donald trump (but without the loads of money but then again, do we really know what kind of money trump has either?).

Things are stressful. their oldest son has Autism, he'd be great but he's so impressionable. and Mom just breathes hostility all the time. There are two people when it comes to mom, the side that we (meaning myself, my boyfriend, the kids, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend's family) see and then there's the side that is presented to the public. She paints this picture that my boyfriend is a deadbeat father and does nothing for the kids. Meanwhile we never talk negative about her to the kids or even in the house when they are here. (kids hear everything even when you think they aren't listening).

She and the kids live 2.5 hours away from us. We drive there every other friday and a back to pick them up and to drop them off on sunday. (you read that correctly, she doesnt meet even part of the way- claims to have PTSD and can't cross bridges- even though she works across a bridge and lives between 3 of them). Every other week we get to hear about why do I not hate their mom, that their mom is so mean to me and talks bad about me, and they ask why am i still nice to her. Every week we hear about how she's telling the kids she's going to have their dad move back in with them. (Mind you, she has a live-in boyfriend and she had been having an affair even before my boyfriend and her got married) She tells therapists and doctors that my boyfriend isn't over their relationship and all that went on in it, when in actuality it's her that seems to not be able to come to grips with reality. She attacks and calls him names. She's lied in court about things. She is just an overall horrible human being. I've found that over the last 3 years i've become a very negative person and due to her I seem to see the worst in everyone now. I also feel like giving up. how can someone soooo horrible be granted custody of the kids. Why can't people see how truly bad she is? I mean in states where recording people is legal I'm sure she'd be locked up. She calls their son with autism names and says that he's going to be living with her forever because he'll never be able to live on his own or away from her. non of which is true. he's got HFA (High Functioning Autism) and actually really really smart, just lazy as hell. He'd rather fight and argue than truly do the class work because honestly, he says it's hard but I think it's just too easy for him. It doesnt activate his mind.

He also has a love of computers/electronics. Mom won't allow him these things, with consistent monitory things  are great. but she's not consistent and doesn't like to monitor things either. She wants things to be easy. and I can tell she resents the oldest for being different, difficult, or harder to handle than a "normal" kid.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments when the Bulldog mom seems to care. but those moments are few and far between. Like we taught the kids how to swim (they are 12 & 9), we take them to the pool, and work on exercising and swimming in the pool. Well now, she's having a pool installed at her house. says we are going to pay for it because it's "therapy for the kids".  court order says that we are responsible for childcare when they are in our care, she now says she's going to send the oldest to a camp and we are going to pay for it because she's going to classify it as "therapy". She's literally using the kids for money, sometimes, I think. It's frustrating.

Some days i just pretend she's not in our lives, those days are good. Those days are much better. But wow, i've never met someone that can train you so quickly. It's sad. it's frustrating.

Almost three years ago, I said I wanted to meet her before meeting the kids. She refused. I tried many times with this lady. Even still, every christmas i get her something, every mother's day, and her birthday. But still she treats me like crap. She wants my income to count towards her child support. But doesnt want her live-in boyfriend's income our all her rental income from all the roommates she rents out the two rooms downstairs to. (that's another issue... these people don't have background checks and are around the kids regularly! and they change every few weeks. it's unnerving) I think from now on i just need to blog about it. It drives my boyfriend crazy talking about it cause he just wants to ignore her and be happy and pretend like she's not there. and when it comes to the kids drop everything just to have them and do what she says to get them. She's a dictator and i prefer a democracy.